🌿 Kindness - Spreading Goodness And Kindness To The World
  • Kindness
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  • Acts of Kindness
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  • Simple Act of Kindness
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  • Believe in Good
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  • ​Message to the People
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  • Light for the World
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • Lifetime Wisdom
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • The Common Cold
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  • Most Harmful in Food
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  • Fat & Sugar Do Not Mix
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  • The Miracle of Coffee
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  • The Brain on Cannabis
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  • Marijuana Use
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • Save Your Tonsils
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  • Food for Aging
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  • Green for Life
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  • Hot Water Cure
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  • Protect Your Teeth
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  • Why People are Sick
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  • Healing for the Sick
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  • Protect Your Eyesight
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  • Heal Eye Problems
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  • Mucusless Diet
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  • Not Stored in Fridge
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  • Natural Remedies
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  • The Danger of Wireless
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  • Books You Need in Life
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  • AGNI the General
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  • Cancer
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  • Cancer Heals - 48 Hrs.
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  • Dr. Null and Dr. Lodi
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  • Toxic Laundry
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  • Drinking With Meals
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  • 🌿 L O S E W E I G H T
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  • How to Lose Weight
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  • Lose Weight / 2
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  • Pure and Simple / 1
  • Pure and Simple / 2
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • Food Combining
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  • Fat and Sugar
  • 80 - 10 - 10 Diet
  • Danger of Sugar & Fat
  • Help for PCOS
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  • 🌿 O I L
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  • Stop Heating Oil
  • Cooking Without Oil
  • Olive Oil is Bad for You
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  • World Health Retreats
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • Avoid Natural Flavors
  • GMO Food
  • Glyphosate
  • H2o / Sodium Fluoride
  • Poison of the Century
  • Silent Killer / MSG
  • Sugar / Bitter Truth
  • Sore Throat - Use Zink
  • Vitamin D
  • 5 LOX - Lethal Enzyme
  • What are Prions?
  • Worst Ingredient ...
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  • Funny French Videos
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  • What is GcMAF?
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  • End of Mental Illness
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  • Extremely Dangerous
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  • World's 6 Best Doctors
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  • Autoimmune Disease
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  • Benefits of Oranges
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  • Miracle of Cucumber
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  • DHA Deficiency
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  • Danger of Vinegar
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  • Extremely ​Toxic
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  • What are Lectins?
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  • How to Make Kefir
  • Coconut Kefir
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • Global Intoxication
  • Suicide Cult
  • Snitch Culture
  • The Hidden Truth
  • War Against Marriage
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  • What is a Virus?
  • Dr. Lanka - VIRUS
  • Dr. Lenkei - The Virus
  • AN URGENT VIDEO!
  • The mRNA Vaccination
  • This is Not a Vaccine
  • Science
  • The Invisible Rainbow
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • 🌿 J U I C I N G
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  • Celery Juice
  • Medical Medium
  • Medical Medium Book
  • The Miracle of Juicing
  • Juicers / Blenders
  • Juicing - Jay Cordich
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  • 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿 🌿
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  • Linus Paulig
  • Vitamin C
  • Cancer & Vitamin C
  • Dr. Hoffer's Vitamins
  • 6000 x Vitamin C
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  • Astaxanthin
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  • Truth About Cancer
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  • Danger of PLASTIC
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  • Unsafe at Any Meal
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  • Hybrid Foods
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  • Health Videos
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  • MMS
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  • Coffee /Alcohol / Brain
  • Coffee / Deadly Poison
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  • Coca Cola and Soda
  • The Result of Cooking
  • McVegan Burger
  • Avoid Alzheimer
  • Alzheimer's and Prion
  • Worse Than Cigarettes
  • Everyone is Allergic
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  • Iridology
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  • Uplifting Music
  • The Best of Kuranesh
  • The Habit
  • Friend of the Animals
  • Just a Mother
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  • Bio Superfood
  • Power of Q 96
  • What the Health
  • Bragg Aminos / Poison
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  • Super Nutrition
  • Banana / Miracle Fruit
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  • Cure for Headache
  • Diet for Acne
  • High Doses / Vitamin D
  • Research on Aging
  • Repair Your DNA
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  • Cure for Mental Illness
  • Mental Health
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  • The Story of My Life
  • The Tombstone
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  • Grandfather's Wisdom
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  • 🌿 D I A B E T E S
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  • Reverse Diabetes
  • Nutrition for Diabetes
  • What to Eat / Diabetes
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  • 🌿 B E A U T I E S
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  • Beauty of Character
  • Beauty of Children
  • Beauty of Kindness
  • Beauty of Women
  • The Beauty of Man
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  • Beauty of Animals
  • Beauty of Clouds
  • Beauty of Birds
  • Beauty of Desert
  • Beauty of Macro
  • Beauty of Winter
  • Beauty of Flowers
  • Unique Flowers
  • Poems
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  • 🌿 K I N D N E S S
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  • Kindness & Gratitude
  • Kindness & Swearing
  • Kindness & Generosity
  • Kindness / Individuality
  • Kindness & Happiness
  • Kindness and Freedom
  • Kindness & Love
  • Kindness in SPAIN
  • Kindness Quotations
  • Fairy Magic Songs
  • Just Play a Song
  • No Negative People
  • Paradox of Our Age
  • A Film for Peace
  • A Revolutionary Idea
  • Behind ​Pornography
  • Book of Kindness
  • Letter of Love
  • Libertà
  • Money and People
  • Poverty
  • Prayer for My Children
  • Videos on Kindness
  • Radiation of Kindness
  • Why Walk We Can Fly
  • Who Will Dare to Love
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  • Message of Peace
  • 365 Days for Travelers
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  • Homeless
  • Need or Greed
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  • Courageous Woman
  • Food of Kindness
  • Kindness Only
  • Universal Quotes Facts
  • Signs of the Times
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  • Divorce and Children
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  • 🌿 H A P P I N E S S
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  • Ho'oponopono
  • Key to Happiness
  • Happiness and Peace
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  • Happy Place on Earth
  • Happy Place on Earth 2
  • Trap of Materialism
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  • 🌿 H E A L T H
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  • 🌿 M O V I E S
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  • Our Daily Poison
  • Earthling
  • Food Inc. / Cowspiracy
  • Food Matters
  • Forks Over Knife
  • Health Videos
  • Thrive / Full Movie
  • Origins Movie
  • Powerful Speech
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  • Film About Life
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  • 🌿 C A N C E R
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  • Cure Cancer
  • Cure with Wheatgrass
  • Cancer... / Dr. Circus
  • Cancer Risk / At Home
  • Cancer & Vitamin C
  • Dr. Leonard Caldwel
  • Ginger & Cancer
  • Hot Dog = Cancer
  • Potato Chips
  • Thyme / Chamomile
  • 7 Top Cancer Foods
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  • Truth About Cancer
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  • 🌿 G R A S S / C U R E
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  • Miracle of Wheatgrass
  • 50 Reasons
  • Super Food Living
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  • 🌿 M A G I C A L
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  • 🌿 M A R K U S
  • R O T H K R A N Z
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  • Magical Recipe
  • Incredible P I Z Z A
  • Loose Weight / Markus
  • Heal Your Face
  • Heal Yourself 101
  • Edible Weeds
  • Raw Food Ideas
  • Miracles
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  • 🌿 H O W - T O
  • L O S E - W E I G H T
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  • How to Lose Weight
  • Loose Weight / Markus
  • Raw Food / Works
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  • World Peace Diet
  • The 80 - 10 - 10 Diet
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  • 🌿 W O R S T F O O D
  • 🌿 W H E A T / E T C .
  • G L U T E N F R E E
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  • Bread
  • Gluten Brain
  • Extreme Dangers
  • Food for Faster Aging
  • Is Wheat Poison?
  • Is Quinoa Gluten Free?
  • Is Corn Gluten-Free?
  • Leaky Guts Syndrome
  • Mental Health / Gluten
  • No Starch for Infants
  • Rice / High in Arsenic
  • Wheat Belly
  • Dark Side of Wheat
  • Worst Food # 1
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  • 🌿 R A W - F O O D
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  • Raw Food
  • Fully Raw Videos
  • Green Smoothies
  • Garden Diet
  • Raw Food Recipes
  • Goldenseal
  • Deception / Raw Juice
  • Naked Juice
  • Most Pesticides Food
  • Real Raw Food Canada
  • Tanny Raw
  • 30 x Nutrition
  • 10 Healthiest Fruits
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  • Avoid Acidity
  • Best Papaya
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  • 🌿 G R E E N - T H E
  • M I R A C L E - F O O D
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  • Green Smoothies
  • Green Smoothies / 2
  • Red Malabar Spinach
  • Is Kale a Miracle Food?
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  • 🌿 R E T R E A T S
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  • Puerto Rico - Healing
  • ECUADOR Paradise
  • Garden of Healing
  • Eden Home Resort
  • Raw Retreat Costa Rica
  • Rancho La Puerta
  • Dr. Sebi's Healing
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  • 🌿 C O F F E E
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  • Dr. Amen on Coffee
  • Dangers of Coffee
  • Side Effects of Coffee
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  • 🌿 C A C A O
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  • Dangers of Cacao
  • Cacao / 2
  • Carob
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  • 🌿 S U N L I G H T
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  • Sunlight the Miracle
  • Sungazing
  • Sunlight by Dr. Kime
  • Solar Civilization
  • Sunlight / Sungazing
  • Sabiduria Cosmica
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  • 🌿 M E A T
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  • Meat
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  • Five Poison in Meat
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  • Avoid Some Fish
  • Chicken
  • Food Inc.
  • A Powerful Speech
  • Hot Dog = Cancer
  • Meat of the Future
  • Beyond Vegetarianism
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  • 🌿 F A S T F O O D
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  • Extremely ​Toxic
  • Fast Food
  • Children & Junk Food
  • Fast Food Poison
  • French Fries
  • Is Subway Real Food?
  • McDonald”s Food USA
  • Mockery of Humanity
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  • 🌿 G M O
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  • What is GMO Food?
  • Glyphosate
  • Glyphosate News
  • GMO News
  • GMO and the DNA
  • 20 GMO Food
  • GMO Products
  • 1000 X Toxic
  • Please Wake Up!
  • Against Humanity
  • GMO Bans and Laws
  • GMO Corn
  • GMO & Russia
  • GMO Linked to Gluten
  • Health Ranger
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  • 🌿 A L U M I N U M
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  • Dark Side of Aluminum
  • Aluminum / Autism
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  • 🌿 C O O K W A R E
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  • Aluminum Cookware
  • Cookwares Danger
  • Crock Pots
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  • 🌿 G E O
  • E N G I N E E R I N G
  • C H E M T R A I L
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  • Reasons Behind
  • Geo Engineering / 1
  • Geo Engineering / 2
  • Geo Engineering / 3
  • Complete Theory
  • Climate Control
  • Chemtrail Material
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  • What Chemtrails Are
  • Vaccines / Chemtrails
  • Chemtrail Protection
  • Engineered Drought
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  • 🌿 S O L U T I O N
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  • Solution for Chemtrail
  • Population Control
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  • 🌿 M O R G E L L O N S
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  • Morgellons Disease
  • Morgellons / 2
  • Old Age
  • Harald Kautz - Vella
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  • 🌿 A R T I F I C I A L
  • I N T E L L I G E N C E
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  • Artificial Intelligence
  • Artificial Intelligence II
  • Black Goo
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  • 🌿 R A D I A T I O N
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  • 5G Cell Phone Dangers
  • Radiation
  • Radiation / West Coast
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  • 🌿 O R G A N I C
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  • Go Organic
  • Eating Organic
  • Culinary Nightmares
  • Eating Healthy / Mental
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  • 🌿 A V O C A D O
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  • Miracle of Avocado
  • Avocado / 2
  • Avocado SEED
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  • 🌿 C O C O N U T
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  • Miracle of Coconut
  • For Dental Health / 1
  • For Dental Health / 2
  • Why Palm Sugar?
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  • 🌿 M I R A C L E
  • F O O D
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  • Green Smoothies
  • Miracle of Greens
  • Miracle of Wheatgrass
  • Miracle of Wild Green
  • Is Kale a Miracle Food?
  • Miracle of Alfalfa
  • Miracle Root / Beet
  • Miracle of Cherry
  • Miracle of Fulvic Acid
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  • How to Make Kefir
  • Miracle Goat Milk
  • Miracle of Lemon
  • Walnut
  • 5 "Careful" Super Food
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  • 🌿 B A N A N A
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  • Miracle of Banana
  • Banana / Loose Weight
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  • 🌿 A L O E - V E R A
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  • Aloe Vera
  • Aloe Vera / 2
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  • 🌿 T O B A C C O
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  • Organic Tobacco
  • Cigarette Additives
  • Eating vs. Smoking
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  • 🌿 F R E E B O O K S
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  • Dr. Shelton / Free PDF
  • Books on Health
  • Tissue Cleaning
  • Diet by Design
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  • Anastasia
  • I Ching Book
  • Napoleon Hill
  • The Power of Now
  • The Power of Now / 2
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  • 🌿 H E A L T H
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  • Calm Nerves
  • Diet in Few Words
  • DOLLAR Stores ?
  • Canola Oil / Facts
  • Food for the Eye
  • Mitochondria
  • Moringa / Super Food
  • Natural Cures
  • Organic Sulfur
  • Sunlight
  • The Silent Ecocide
  • 92 Side Effects
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  • I M M U N I Z A T I O N
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  • Immunization
  • History of Medication
  • Untold Horrors
  • Vaccines / Chemtrails
  • Vaccination Via Air
  • Vaxxed
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  • 🌿 S. F L U O R I D E
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  • H2o / Sodium Fluoride
  • Sodium Fluoride / 2
  • Sodium Fluoride / 3
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  • 🌿 W A T E R
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  • Alkaline Water
  • Test for Fluoride
  • H2o Alkalinity
  • H2o Ionizers
  • How to Mineralize H2o
  • Fluoride Toxicity
  • Plastic Bottles & BPA
  • H2O / Empty Stomach
  • What Water to Drink
  • Water & Lemon Juice
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  • 🌿 C O C A - C O L A
  • S O D A S
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  • Coca Cola and Soda
  • Red Bull etc.
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  • 🌿 S U G A R
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  • Sugar / Bitter Truth
  • Aspartame
  • Aspartame Poisoning
  • Cancer Risk to Millions
  • Erythritol / Sugar
  • Honey
  • Maple Sugar
  • Molasses
  • Why Palm Sugar?
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  • 🌿 D E T O X
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  • Liver & Kidney Cleanse
  • Tissue Cleaning
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  • 🌿 A S T H M A
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  • Asthma
  • Breathing
  • Replace Prednison
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  • 🌿 H E A L I N G
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  • Alzheimer, Arthritis / 1
  • Arthritis / 2
  • Food for Inflammation
  • Ear Infection
  • Heartburn
  • Irritable B. Syndrom
  • Prions & Alzheimer
  • Shingles
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  • 🌿 D E N T I S T R Y
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  • Dental Health / 1
  • Dental Health / 2
  • Magnesium for Teeth
  • Root Canal
  • Toxic Teeth
  • What is Wrong
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  • 🌿 D A N G E R S
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  • Dangers of Cocoa
  • Danger of Grapes / 1
  • Dangers of Microwave
  • Dangers of Night Shade
  • Dangers of Salt
  • Potato
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  • Dangers of Soy
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  • Grapefruit/Medication
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  • Onion Toxicity
  • Toxic Garlic
  • 10 Top Poisonous Food
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  • 🌿 M I L K
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  • Truth about Milk
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  • 🌿 T O X I C F O O D
  • A D D I T I V E
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  • Our Daily Poison
  • Toxic Food Additives
  • Toxic Pizza
  • Pesticide in Citrus
  • Poison on Your Platter
  • Toxic Light Bulbs
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  • 🌿 W E L L N E S S
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  • Iridology
  • Maggot Therapy
  • Stool Examination
  • Over 1000
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  • 🌿 C O S M E T I C S
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  • Dangers of Make-Up / 1
  • Dangers of Make-Up / 2
  • Natural Cosmetics
  • Toxic Cosmetics
  • Heal Your Face
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  • 🌿 C H I L D R E N
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  • Dr. Mendelson
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  • 🌿 MENTAL - HEALTH
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  • 🌿 MIRACLE of NIACIN
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  • Dr. D. G. Amen Clinic
  • Niacin / Mental Illness
  • Niacin / Vitamin B3
  • Niacin Deficency
  • Schizophrenia
  • Real Story of Niacin
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  • Lithium Orotate
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  • Anxiety
  • Anxiety / 2
  • Can Autism Be Cured
  • Gut and Mental Illness
  • Heal Depression
  • Help for Mental Illness
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  • Dr. Abram Hoffer
  • Dr. Hoffer's Vitamins
  • Dr. Andrew Saul Videos
  • Shocking Effects
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  • Mental Health / Gluten
  • Mental Health & Wheat
  • Medication Withdrawal
  • List of SSRI Medication
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  • 🌿 V I T A M I N S
  • M I N E R A L S
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  • Ascorbic Acid / Avoid It
  • Calcium Supplement
  • Vitamin C
  • Vitamin K2
  • Vitamin D / Grounded
  • Magnesium / 1
  • Magnesium / 2
  • Niacin / Vitamin B3
  • Niacin Deficency
  • Niacin / Mental Illness
  • Selenium
  • Real Story of Niacin
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  • 🌿 E X E R C I S E
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  • Benefits of Trampoline
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  • 🌿 G A R D E N I N G
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  • Starvation is Over
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  • Back to Eden
  • Better than Organic
  • Organic Gardening
  • Secret of Eldorado
  • $300 Greenhouse
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  • 🌿 G E N E R A L
  • I N F O R M A T I O N
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  • Paul Harvey / 1965
  • Art
  • Charlotte Iserbyt
  • Educational / Hand
  • Free Energy
  • Food Contains Nanite
  • Golden Ratio
  • Fibonacci Numbers
  • How to Tip
  • Home Sweet Home
  • How to Grow Rich
  • Hunza People
  • Ice Cube Effect
  • Kellogg
  • Kundalini Rising
  • Long Hair
  • More Than Reality
  • Sad Story
  • The Universe
  • Valhalla Culture
  • World Toughest Job
  • 8 Toxic People
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  • No More Prednison
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  • 🌿 F L O W E R S
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  • Flowers Unimaginable
  • Rózsa Özön
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  • 🌿 M U S I C
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  • Panflute Collection
  • Around the World
  • Beauty of Music
  • Carlo Gallozzi - Music
  • Child / Anak
  • Encouragement
  • Kitaro - Music
  • Libertà - Italian
  • Lona - Music
  • Michele Ippolito
  • Music
  • Music for Anxiety
  • Music 2 / Beethoven
  • Secret Garden - Music
  • Miel de Booton / Music
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  • Andreea Petcu - Music
  • Michel Pépé
  • Steve McDonald
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  • 🌿 H I S T O R Y
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  • Ancient Mystery
  • Chinese Wisdom
  • Dragonology
  • The Future
  • The Great Controversy
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  • 🌿 I N T E R V I E W S
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  • Simon Parkes
  • Harald Kautz - Vella
  • Harald Kautz - Vella / 2
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  • 🌿 ENTERTAINMENT
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  • Entertaining Videos
  • Humorous
  • Talent Shows
  • Treasures of Info.
  • The Snake
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  • Consciousness
  • Freedom of Speech
  • Law of Attraction
  • Simple Truth Movies
  • 45 Wisdom for Man
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  • Mucusless Diet
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  • 🌿 P R O B I O T I C
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  • Coconut Yoghurt
  • Cultured Food Life
  • Probiotic / BB 536
  • How to / Kombutcha
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  • 🌿 K E F I R
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  • History of Kefir
  • The Value of Kefir
  • How to Make Kefir - 2
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  • Sun Light Lamp
  • Sleeping
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  • Dr. Mercola
  • Green Med Info
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  • Clean Your Arteries
  • Clean the Mercury
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  • Calcium Removal
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  • 🌿 A N T I - A G I N G
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  • Secret of Long Life
  • Anti Aging Diet
  • Elder Action
  • Inflammation of Aging
  • Telomere / Anti Aging
  • Young Again
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  • Monoatomic Gold
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  • Senior Discount
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  • 🌿 MISCELLANEOUS
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  • Age of Treason
  • Articles / Whole Food
  • Chia Seed
  • Contaminated
  • Doctor Yourself . Com
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  • Epson Salt
  • FODMAP Food List
  • For Beautiful Hair
  • Heal Gout Naturally
  • Health Science
  • Iodine
  • Iron Absorption
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  • Miracle Treasure Book
  • Pictures With Meanings
  • Points of Diseases
  • Rice / Tomato / Potato
  • Rife Machine
  • Today's Worst Disease
  • Future Vaccination
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  • 🌿 M I X E D / I N F O
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  • Food Craving
  • Friends
  • Frequency 432 Hz
  • Hydrogen Peroxid
  • Improve Your Vision
  • Improve Your Vision /2
  • Books
  • How to Make Oetmeal
  • STEVIA DANGER
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  • Life Expectancy Test
  • Carl Blechen
  • Never Buy New Battery
  • Something Deadly
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  • 🌿 B E A U T I F U L
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  • Beauty of Trees
  • Beauty of Nature
  • Nature Videos
  • Unique Pictures
  • Unusual Pictures
  • Act of Kindness
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  • How to Stop Bed Bugs
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  • Lou Corona
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  • Anti Inflamatory
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  • Aloe Vera for Cancer
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  • Craiglist Check Scam
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  • Legal Shield
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  • Bentonite Clay
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  • Niner Simeon
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  • Colors
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  • GMO Potatoe Alert
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  • Amazing Result of C60
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  • Target is Humanity
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  • Surviving in Russia
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  • Meridian
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  • Danger of Products
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  • Pelvic Prolapse
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  • Gluten Free Bread
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  • .
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What's Worse Than Doing the Same Thing Over

and Over and Expecting Different Results?


https://medium.com/the-mission/
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Adding intensity. Well, okay, if you're trying to break a door down, maybe adding intensity will help. But with people, and especially your loved ones, usually not. Even if you get something close to the result you want in the moment, the side effects are not worth it.

But I’ll get to that a little later.

​
Doing the same thing and then just doing the same thing bigger is a significant part of where distressed couples get stuck. It’s like talking louder to someone who doesn’t speak the same language (which in a sense, is literally what’s happening).

It’s a primitive response: if the toaster isn’t working try shaking or smacking it; if the kids aren’t listening yell louder. Let’s listen in on a couple in my office:

“You never help with the dishes”
“Yes I do — I did them Sunday”
“Only after I asked you 10 times”
“If you weren’t always on my case…”
“Well if you would for once offer to help!”
“I help a lot more than [lists a bunch of people in other couples they know] — — ”

(Cutting him or her off mid-list and raising voice) “I don’t care about any of those people! You’re just lazy!”

(Raising voice and stabbing the air with index finger) “I’m lazy!? You’re the one binge-watching Game of Thrones, @##%!*!”

(Keeps climbing from there.)

You can interchange the content with whatever you wish (you never listen, you always throw your clothes on the floor, you care more about your mother than me, we never have sex…).

It’s the process that matters. I hear thousands of these arguments every year and 95% of the time the form is a variation of either accuse-defense (as this one starts out: “You ___ ,” “No I don’t”), or accuse-accuse (aka, blame-blame), or some combination of the two.

One way of looking at the reason these fights don’t go anywhere good is that they escalate to the point that people start saying damaging things to each other that they later regret. These regretful statements cause more pain that then becomes fuel for later fights. As John Gottman and associates found out in the 1980’s and have since confirmed beyond a doubt:

It’s not anger or negativity alone, but escalation that leads to damage and predicts the demise of relationships. And escalation is fed by adding more and more fuel to the fire.Here are some common ways of adding this inflammatory intensity, ranging from mild to strong:

  • Mindless repetition of your point, even though it’s not being received.
  • Increasing volume or pace of speech.
  • Mustering evidence for your case. For instance, “My friends all agree with me,” “Normal people don’t do this,” “You did it this time and that time, and the other time.” (See The Evidence Trap for a full account.)
  • “Kitchen sinking,” where you start bringing in other ways that your loved one is flawed or at fault.
  • Personal attack: “You’re an idiot/selfish/lazy/passive-aggressive/etc.”
  • Physical demonstrations, from threatening gestures (which can include pointing at the other, making slicing motions with the hands, making fists, slapping hands together, pounding the table), to slamming doors, to throwing objects, to aggressive bodily contact and worse.

Adding intensity without changing the essential dynamics is a power struggle. Each person — usually feeling hurt and unheard — is trying to gain advantage by one-upping the other, leading to the ramping up of threat and aggression described above. It only ends when the parties are either too worn out or tattered to continue, and then both people are too hurt for any kind of meaningful repair.

Without repair these repetitive fights erode trust and build resentment to the point that the relationship eventually becomes untenable. These are the kinds of side-effects I referred to at the beginning.

Ironically there’s another unhelpful direction that adding intensity can take, which is intensified withdrawal.A person whose tendency is to withdraw under stress can shut down more and more, which can be equally infuriating to a partner or loved one who is trying to get through to them or is vulnerable to abandonment.

As I’ve described in other articles this can result in a common cycle where one partner gets more aggressive in trying to get across — or even get some kind of response — while the other partner gets more and more closed off, or disengaged. When that partner becomes less accessible and responsive, the other partner can feel hopelessly abandoned and alone.

And what’s worse than adding intensity? Justifying your own contribution to the escalation. “I only yelled at you because you were ignoring me.” “I wouldn’t swear if you didn’t attack me.” Both people can always justify their own counterproductive behavior by pointing to the other, yielding an infinite loop that also goes nowhere.

So how do you create a virtuous cycle instead of these vicious ones? By taking a break when the old back-and-forth is just getting started (it’s best to have some guidelines and a prearranged agreement about how the break will be conducted). By being vulnerable, which means labeling your emotions instead of acting them out, and being quick to acknowledge your part in the conflict.

By apologizing sincerely, including recognizing the pain you’ve caused your partner and devoting effort to doing better next time.

For more on doing something different, see Pyramid of Skills.

(I’m a psychologist with a private practice in Noe Valley, San Francisco)

Image Credits: Inferno, Escalator, Withdrawn
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